cultivating a happier realtionship

Raiana Romero

English 101

             All who would win joy must share it; happiness was born a twin. –Lord Byron

Can people be happier in their relationships? How can people cultivate happier relationships with the people they love? This paper will show how people can better their relationships to make them happier and how they can cultivate their relationships with the people who are in their lives and whom they love. Cultivating a relationship takes work with every relationship you are in. According to dictionary.com to cultivate means to “to promote the growth or development of”. Relationships are cultivated based on the dynamic of the persons involved. The relationship between mother and child differ greatly than that of a Husband and Wife or of siblings. These relationships are all important according to Tal Ben -Shahar but romantic relationships are supreme.

According to Tal Ben -Shahar , Aristotle states, “Without friendship, no happiness is possible”. Every relationship starts off with some sort of friendship. Before you can try and please your partner or spouse you must first know your self. You must recognize your own morals, values and ethics. When you decide to enter a relationship with someone you begin to learn about his or her background beliefs and options. You may have different views on politics, religions and family lifestyles. You must ask yourself a question. Can I be with someone that does not share my views? Can I be open minded enough to listen to their thoughts and opinions and take what they say into consideration. Am I willing to change or bend my ways in order to have a meaningful relationship with this person. Is this person worth it? Does my partner feel the same, does he or she believe that I am worth changing for or believe that we have a future together.

             In researching exactly what “unconditional love “ is on the Internet, Wikipedia.com states that" Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions." This rare type of love is not based on a persons looks, what they may have or want to achieve but who the person is. The reason you feel a connection to them and want to have them as part of your life. They may get fired from a great job or maybe even be in a terrible accident in which they may no longer appear physically the same. But non-the less your feelings for that person do not change you accept who they are not whom you may hope they would be. When you sacrifice and do something like for example take great interest in sports or something that you don’t really have an interest in you are cultivating your relationship by learning and compromising for your partner and in turn they would do the same for you. According to the lovefoundation.com “The greatest power known to man is that of unconditional love. “ In a relationship when you tell someone that you love them unconditionally doesn’t that mean that you are willing to change or try new things that may make the relationship stronger and more valuable? Are you willing to accept the thing that you don’t necessarily agree with?

Today, with 40 percent of marriages ending up in a divorce I wonder if people really have exhausted all possibilities for making their relationships work such as marriage counseling, trial separation, etc. In David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage he states that “ In order for the love and passion in a relationship to grow over time, both partners must be willing to be known, and this means gradually disclosing their inner most selves-their desires, fears, fantasies, and dreams. This allows partners to have a deeper understanding of their spouses’ values, concerns, and passions. If a person isn’t truthful, honest and open about what they think is wrong in their relationship how can they really put 100 percent into trying to fix what they may think is wrong. How does his or her partner even know that there is an issue if no one is mentioning it? We grow as people once we accept that there is indeed something that needs fixing and we are willing to put the effort in to repair it.

A big part of cultivating a relationship is the sacrifices you are willing to make in order for the relationship to grow stronger and more valuable. In a relationship you don’t want your partner to feel as if his or her sacrifice is not appreciated or un-valued. The person making the sacrifice should make it because they want to not because they feel they have too. In the chapter “Love and Sacrifice” in Shahars book happiness he states that “There is no easy way to distinguish between behavior that is sacrificial, and hence destructive to the long-term success of the relationship, and behavior that is conducive to the growth of the relationship. The only way to begin to sort out the harmful from the beneficial is by evaluating the relationship, as a whole, in the currency of happiness.” For example working parents of a small child may have a system where they rotate taking off days of work when the child is ill and cannot go to day care. The sacrifice for the care of their child is mutual. Shahars book also states that “while comprise if a natural and healthy part of any relationship, while at different times each partner will forgo some meaning or pleasure for the sake of the other, over all the relationship must profit both partners- both must be happier for being together.”

In reading this paper, I hope that the reader can see my point of view that people can cultivate happier relationships with work, understanding, change, and unconditional love. Many factors go into making a relationship work and grow strong, by putting the time and effort into it. Mr. Ben-Shahar notes that there are many aspects to cultivating happier relationships such as: understanding unconditional love, knowing your core self, the circle of happiness, love and sacrifice and the meaning and pleasure in love.

Works Cited

Dictionary.com

Wikipedia.com

Tal Ben-Shahar – Happiness

Lovefoundation.com

David Schnarch – Passionate Marriage